So it’s been awhile since I’ve been on my own blog. Not written on it. It’s been
MONTHS since I even LOOKED at the thing. SMH I’m a hot mess. Ya’ll keep me in prayer, hear? Now I could give a cockamamie excuse as to why or I could give you a completely plausible one (ie: I got married last year, YAY ME!) but they would both be complete lies. I’ll just tell you the deal. I got scared & I was lazy.
I’m a GREAT starter, but I tend to really struggle with finishing stuff. Not only that, there was a great deal going on in the world for 2015; the #BlackLivesMatter movement being one. And while I have opined on my personal Facebook, I didn’t feel the Holy Spirit was pressing me to talk about that on this blog. And honestly, I felt weird about that. How am I supposed to talk about something so COMPLETELY off topic of what is going on in my immediate sphere? And really if I’m honest I was more concerned about people judging me for that. I was scared.
And then, writing takes time! No really, it’s time consuming; especially the way I do it. I agonize over every detail. I worry over every sentence. I’m trying to work on that. Even before I started writing this, I spent hours re-designing my blog. HOURS. I wasn’t even supposed to re-design my blog. I was just supposed to write. But, you know, the devil is busy. No really, because I could have sat here and kept re-designing because that would have kept me from doing what I came here to do; which is to write!
Writing scares me. A friend of mine said to me one time (paraphrased) that the reason I re-write or don’t write is that I’m scared that people will misinterpret or misunderstand what I say. #TrueStatement I don’t even like to share how I feel about things OUT LOUD because I’m always worried someone will disagree with me & pick me apart and tell me how STUPID I am to believe…WHATEVER it is I believe. And a lot of times what I believe is counter to the culture. Not just world-culture, but sometimes church-culture too. And it’s hard these days to STAND in not just MY truth, but in God’s truth.
So when I name my site uBu4Him, you have no idea how God is making that truth real in my own life. I started a website & a blog around this idea but I wouldn’t let it truly penetrate because of FEAR.
Can I tell you how much fear gets on my d*mn nerves?! No really. It’s SOOOOO annoying! Like, it’s the most debilitating, thee most hindering, the most possessive of enemies. I cannot tell you how long I have been fighting with fear. Well, let’s be honest. I haven’t always fought it. Most times, I just let it hold on to me and stop me. When Fear & Laziness get together, it’s HORRIBLE! Can you imagine having to battle those two simultaneously? And let me tell you how those two love to feed each other. Fear stops me from finishing and allows me to be lazy, then laziness steeps and allows me to be even scared to start again.
Fear be LYING yall.
Fear tells me I can’t post on this blog, cause it isn’t designed perfectly. Wait until it’s perfect.
Fear tells me this blog isn’t deep enough so I should stop writing.
Fear tells me my voice isn’t necessary in the blogosphere because really…who wants to listen to ME? What do I have to say that hasn’t been said?
Fear tells me to STOP.
Fear tells me it’s not good enough.
Fear tells me I’M not good enough.
Fear tells me I shouldn’t say that. Don’t say it like that. Don’t say it at all. Just don’t.
FEAR BE LYING YA’LL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So here I am, AGAIN. I’m making a commitment to writing this blog. AGAIN. I’m making a committment to being myself on this blog. AGAIN. I’m committed to letting Christ speak through me without worrying myself that you won’t be okay with it.
I just don’t want to drag fear into this year; and I sure don’t want it dragging me. And what I’ve realized as I’m finishing this post…Is that I started this blog with great intentions; but they were misdirected. I started this blog to “help” somebody. Here’s what I know. This blog is here to help ME. It’s here to help me cultivate writing on a regular basis. It’s here to help me hear God speak to ME even as I’m writing. It’s hear to help ME become more of MYSELF in Christ. It’s here to FREE me from FEAR & LAZINESS.
I have made a commitment for 2016 to write on this blog AT LEAST once a month. I’m up at 1AM because I am DETERMINED that on February 1, there will be a blog post. No, my blog isn’t perfected. There are a lot of things that will change. But I’m just going to DO IT AFRAID.
Unperfected. A little late. But it’s done.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3 ESV
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